He just needs a little understanding…

Most people watch Euro 2012 for the football. Here at Game Intelligence we enjoy nothing more than spotting footballers who bear tenuous passing resemblances to our favourite famous faces (and some not so famous). Here’s a selection of the lookalikes currently thrilling us in Ukraine and Poland…

Euro 2012 Footballers who look like:

1. Chris Papass from Neighbours

While Chris avoids offending macho Australian sensibilities by being a distinctly heterosexual homosexual, Martin managed to cause uproar in England by not being Rio Ferdinand

2. Jess’s estranged father from Gilmore Girls

Although badboy Jess Mariano’s dad irresponsibly left his mother when he was young, Cabaye has rarely gone missing in the Newcastle midfield this season

3. Patrick from Coupling

London-based Coupling was a curiously underrated sitcom, and Zhirkov’s underwhelming spell at Chelsea didn’t do his reputation much good either

4. Bill Murray in Moonrise Kingdom

Murray’s recent roles have often seen him play frustrated characters dealing with mid-life crises, but it was the Dutch who were left frustrated after Olsen masterminded a 1-0 win in Denmark’s opening game

5. Frank Zappa

Zappa’s four children are called Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen. No further comment.

6. Dr Luka Kovac from ER

Corluka was quick to diagnose Tottenham’s poor second half of the season as a symptom of Harry Redknapp’s lack of squad rotation

7. Iceman from X-Men

The Chelsea midfielder has been left chilling on the sidelines in Spain’s Euro 2012 campaign so far…

8. Yuri Gargarin

While Gagarin was the first man in space, Ignashevich has a rocket of a right foot

9. That Irish  guy from Misfits

Although I’ve never actually watched Misfits, you have to admit that the resemblance is uncanny…

10. Crispin Glover

Back to the Future was an awesome film ,and Gomez is a pretty good striker

11. Each other

Rumour has it Jose Mourinho was actually after Milan Baros when he mistakenly signed Khedira to run around a lot and not score very often…

Why not humour us by sharing your own Euro 2012 lookalikes? It’s not like we’ve set the bar very high…

Strange as it seems for someone so synonymous with Barcelona, Guardiola’s playing career did not end at the Catalan club. Demonstrating the maverick streak that would later see him innovate a stagnating Barcelona team on his return home, Pep sought fresh adventures overseas after a decade at the heart of the Blaugrana midfield.

Despite high profile offers from Manchester United, Liverpool and both Milan clubs, the 30-year-old chose the challenge of modest Serie A side Brescia, where he joined up with Roberto Baggio to great effect. An unhappy spell with Roma followed, before he returned to his adopted home in northern Italy. Unfortunately, Guardiola’s Serie A sojourn was overshadowed by the drugs purges that swept through Italy at the time, as the Barca legend joined the likes of Edgar Davids, Jaap Stam and Frank de Boer in testing positive for the steroid nandrolone (although he was later acquitted).

It was therefore under a slight cloud that he left in 2003 to follow Claudio Caniggia, Gabriel Batistuta and Fernando Hierro to the footballing retirement home of the Qatari Stars League. Having once again forsaken the allure of Old Trafford in favour of Al Ahli, many could have been forgiven for assuming that Guardiola was ready to wind down his illustrious playing career in lucrative Middle Eastern comfort. However, far from donning the proverbial slippers, Pep was soon getting itchy feet once again…

Whilst the riches on offer made Qatar a predictable destination for a veteran star, few could have anticipated Guardiola’s next move. Indeed, although their name may suggest otherwise, Dorados de Sinaloa are far from gold-laden. Yet it was the shirt of this modest, relegation-threatened Mexican club that Guardiola was pulling on next, having once again spurned a number of offers from European clubs.

The key factor in this surprising career move was down to one man: Juan Manuel Lillo. The Basque coach had caught the public eye ten years before when he became the youngest manager in Spain’s top flight at the age of just 29, and foremost among his admirers was Barcelona’s midfield lynchpin. The meeting of minds first took place when Guardiola knocked on the then Real Oviedo manager’s door following an encounter at the Nou Camp, keen to praise the quality of football displayed by Lillo’s side despite their 4-2 defeat. Like Rick and Louis, this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship…

Pep soon adopted Lillo as his managerial mentor, and declared that he would not retire ”without playing on a team coached by him”. Hence, when the opportunity arose to play under his guru in North America, Guardiola was on the plane over before he could even locate Sinaloa on the map. Upon arrival he joined the youngest team in Mexico, who had attained top flight status just a year after coming into existence in 2004. Their future as a Primera Division team was under serious threat by the time Pep arrived, as the club were entrenched in a relegation battle.

Although he had been out of the game for six months (largely through injury), Guardiola assured the starstruck media at his first press conference that he was not there to “go to the beach”. Whilst he pursued his coaching badges away from the field, on the pitch he meant business. Even at the age of 36, the majestic midfielder was a class above. Setting up teammates (including Sebastian ‘El Loco’ Abreu) with graceful ease, Pep even got himself on the scoresheet in his ten game stint South of the border.

Sadly it was not enough, as Dorados suffered a relegation rendered controversial by Lillo’s accusations of collusion between rival teams under the same ownership. However, the experience was by no means a failure. When he was not playing Pep was often seen on the sidelines discussing tactics with Lillo and gesticulating orders to players in a way that has become all too familiar. It was under the Mexican sun that Guardiola’s managerial seeds were sown, cultivated by his much-admired mentor.

Although just an obscure anecdote in broader circles, Pep’s Mexican adventure will never be forgotten by the Sinaloa faithful, who can feel proud to have played a part in the development of one of the modern day’s great managers. Indeed, Guardiola himself is keen to stress his appreciation for the Mexican minnows. Whilst his rolling contract at Barcelona has seen him linked with big jobs at the likes of Chelsea and Inter, Guardiola hints at a return to Dorados, this time as manager. Now that would escape nobody’s attention…

Brolin tucks into some chips…

With the popularity of Playstations and iPods with oversized earphones among modern-day footballers, you could be forgiven for thinking that card games at the back of the team bus are a thing of the past. However, whilst mullet hairstyles and the magic sponge have fallen out of fashion, traditionalists will be glad to know that poker is still as much a part of football as ever.

In fact, the proliferation of poker online has only served to increase the game’s popularity among footballers, allowing them to fill their ample free time honing skills from the comfort of their own luxury mansions. For some this is more than a mere idle hobby, and an increasing number of footballers are taking the game ever more seriously. Indeed, several ex-footballers have eschewed the traditional post-playing careers of coaching or punditry in favour of the competitive thrill of professional poker.

Game Intelligence has upped the ante in assembling a full house of footballing poker players. Whether flops or aces for their clubs, these men have taken poker to their hearts, and some even have talent in spades. They are are all diamonds in our eyes…

GK: Cédric Carrasso

France’s third-choice goalkeeper fell in love with poker when his uncle introduced him to Texas Hold’em ten years ago, and since then has become a devoted student of the game. The man from the South of France (where card games are very much à la mode)  harbours ambitions of one day entering the professional poker circuit, and dedicates his free time to improving his game: scrutinising strategy books, analysing poker odds and avidly watching the World Poker Tour on television. He has already won several online tournaments, and particularly caught the eye for finishing 36th out of 4,159 in Winamax’s “Kill the Champions” knockout competition, featuring such sporting ringers as Gael Monfils and Ludovic Giuly. He attributes some of his success to the concentration levels that he has honed on the pitch as a successful goalkeeper.

RB: Willy Sagnol

Another Frenchman with a passion for poker, Sagnol took the game up as a youngster with Monaco as a way of channeling off-field adrenalin. Although largely an amateur player, the former Bayern man is so obsessed that he has installed a special poker room in his Munich home, and often takes pilgrimages to Las Vegas to play 16 hour bouts with friends. He attributes France’s successful 2006 World Cup campaign to the team spirit fostered by marathon games around the poker table. Presumably somebody forgot to take the cards to South Africa…

CB: Fabio Luciano 

The former Brazil international and World Club champion with Corinthians was revered for his prolific goalscoring during his time with Fenerbahçe, and he has continued these high-rolling habits since hanging up his boots. He supplements his wage as an agent with the winnings from poker, having participated in both the Brazilian Series of Poker in Rio de Janeiro (where he enjoyed great success with Flamengo) and the Latin American Poker Tour in his native São Paulo. Hopefully he won’t be giving up his day job anytime soon however, having failed to make the leaderboard at either tournament.

CB: Cédric Hengbart

Another Frenchman (are you sensing a theme?), the Auxerre defender picked up poker during his time at Caen, where teammates would stage regular tournaments. He has since gone on to earn the title of “Best Poker-playing Sportsman in France”*, having finished eighth in the aforementioned “Kill the Champion” tournament, ahead of Carrasso, Monfils et al. This triumph won Hengbart entry to the World Series of Poker in his beloved Las Vegas in 2011 (having spent the previous two summers holidaying in the Entertainment Capital of the World), where he had the privilege of competing with the finest poker players in the business. Although his success was limited, Hengbart relished the opportunity and is determined to return again this year a better player.

*Not a real title

LB: Marcell Jansen

But it’s not just the French who love a flutter, you know. According to Marcell Jansen, his teammates at HSV and the national side are equally prone to poker matches as their Gallic counterparts, although the Germans are just in it for the fun of the game. The stakes are modest: apparently the losers “must pay for all drinks and baguettes”. On a similarly benign note, Jansen has set up a poker site of his own where members of the public can compete with professional footballers for a variety of prizes including signed memorabilia, the monthly fees for which all go to charity. He looks like a nice guy, and it seems that he is a nice guy…

LM: Paulo Futre

The winner of an unlikely 1987 European Cup with Porto was never afraid of a challenge during his long playing career, testing himself in a variety of leagues from Spain to Japan, via France and England. Similarly, the man who competed at the Portugal Poker Series in Figuiera da Foz last year is not content with merely mastering Texas Hold’em, and has his eyes set on picking up Chinese Poker: “It’s very different… I’d like to learn how to play it. I’m curious!” Despite his enthusiasm for the game, Futre has publicly urged Portuguese youngsters to finish their studies before pursuing poker. Surely this has nothing to do with the fact that the winner in Figuiera da Foz was 22-year-old law student João Carlos?

CM: Vikash Dhorasoo

Is there anything Vikash Dhorasoo can’t do? The economics student-turned-footballer-turned-activist-turned-filmmaker-turned-actor-turned-chairman decided to try his hand at poker a few years ago and, guess what? He was bloody good at it… Displaying the talent that saw him selected for the Winamax Pro Team, Dhorasoo quickly made poker look as easy as scoring a 30-yard screamer against your fiercest rivals in the cup final (for him-very). His greatest feat was a victory in the 2010 Barrière Poker Tour that won him almost $200,000, whilst his total tournament winnings, including a couple of European Poker Tour events, come in at just under $500,000 to date. He quit professional poker at the end of 2011 in order to dedicate more time to other pursuits, particularly his work for football foundation Tatane, although he plans to continue playing as an active amateur. I wonder which hobby he’ll pick up next… Rocket science, anyone?

CM: Jean-Philippe Rohr

The former Metz, Nice and Monaco midfielder may have enjoyed a solid playing career featuring a 1984 Olympic gold medal and a couple of domestic trophies, but it was after his retirement that the fun really began. Who could forget his epic 1999 French Backgammon Championship victory? Or the emotional 2005 triumph after six years of hurt? With the world of backgammon conquered, Rohr made the bold transition to poker in the aftermath of his 2005 success. He hasn’t looked back since. As part of the PMU Team Pro, Rohr has taken part in some of the world’s most prestigious poker tournaments. His greatest triumph so far was a 6th place finish at the Partouche Poker Tour in Cannes that pocketed him a cool 123,000€, and his career winnings stand at over 350,000€. No wonder every young boy dreams of growing up to be a professional backgammoner.

RM: Tomas Brolin

Ask the average English football fan what they know about Tomas Brolin and most will tell you that he was fat, had a mullet, and was a massive flop at Leeds. Whilst these are all true, a lesser-known fact is that the corpulent playmaker is now an active World Series Poker player. Brolin retired from football at the tender age of 29 in 1998 (making his last appearance as a goalkeeper in the last 15 minutes of a game between Swedish minnows Hudiksvalls A.B.K. and Kiruna FF), deciding that poker was a more attractive proposition as he could play whilst remaining seated (although he was disappointed to discover that the ‘chips’ were made of plastic). He has toured frequently with the European Poker Tour since 2006, and has achieved moderate success. You’ll be pleased to know that the mullet is very  much alive and well.

CF: Tony Cascarino & Teddy Sheringham

Tony Cascarino and close pal Teddy Sheringham formed a lethal strikeforce for Millwall in the late 1980s, poaching goals and playing their part in The Lions’ long-ball percentage game. These days the pair prefer to take their chances on the deck, both proving to be talented poker players after hanging up their boots

So enamoured is Cascarino with the competitive rush gained from poker that he fully admits to getting a “far better” buzz from turning cards than scoring goals. Quite a feat for someone who was so able at finding the back of the net that he earned the moniker ‘Tony Goal’ during his days playing for French sides Marseille and Nancy. Sheringham certainly enjoys his poker, but he takes a more practical stance when comparing it to football, ”I can’t run about anymore so I’ve got to try to find something else that gives me a bit of an adrenalin rush, and poker certainly does that, especially when we’re playing for a lot of money.”

In recent years, the two friends have become very visible presence on the UK poker scene.  Both have appeared in various celebrity tournaments and even enjoyed success in serious competitions.  With Cascarino’s occasional stints doing poker commentary and Sheringham’s clandestine ‘Premier League Player’ poker tournaments, the two seemingly can’t put the cards down.

So who’s the better poker player? While Sheringham was certainly the classier footballer, Cascarino seems to have the edge when it comes to cards. Since his formative days playing in Liam Brady’s card schools during the Republic of Ireland squad get-togethers, Cascarino has amassed over £500,000 in winnings. His greatest achievement came when winning the Grosvenor UK Poker Grand Tour Final in 2009, taking home £168,800. Sheringham too has a decent winnings record, notably coming fifth at the European Poker Tour in Vilamoura to win €93,121.

With a genuine passion for the game, this pair of aces will continue to link up on the green felt for many years to come. If the words of Cascarino are anything to go by, expect the two former goal machines to still be playing well into their eighties, and perhaps relocating to Holland, “It’s not a passing phase for us. A lot of people come in, try their luck and see how they go. Me and Teddy will be around playing poker until we pop our clogs…”

"Victory!"

As George Orwell put it, “If you want a vision of the future of the England football team, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever”. Actually, he didn’t quite say that… but if he had of done then it would in hindsight have been an extremely prescient analogy.

In a display of valor that brings to mind the heroism of St George himself, David Bernstein has rid the land of the unwanted Italian scourge plaguing English football and sent Fabio Capello packing with his tail between his legs and a lesson in racial sensitivity to boot (don’t believe any of this “resignation” mumbo-jumbo). Coinciding all too conveniently with the acquittal of Honest Harry Redknapp, the timing could only have been more perfect if the date was the 23rd of April. The future of the England team hasn’t looked so bright since… um, last time.

There can be no doubt that Redknapp is the perfect man to take Capello’s place in the hot seat. As the tabloids tell us, EVERYBODY thinks that the job should go to the man who, for all his faults (“can’t write, is disorganised, can’t work a computer, doesn’t know what an email is, has never sent a fax or a text message”), is self-aware enough to admit that he is a “fantastic football manager”. Apart from Tottenham fans, of course, who are loathe to lose this football alchemist who so disdains the notion of wheeling and dealing. Little known fact: Spurs only had two points from eight games when Redknapp took over.

After the iron fist of Fabio Capello, what England’s players need to soothe their gentle sensibilities is surely the velvet touch of Harry Redknapp. Who can forget the Italian tyrant’s draconian decision to incarcerate his team in an isolated hotel camp for the duration of the World Cup in South Africa? Would Robert Green have allowed Clint Dempsey’s pea-roller to squirm through his grasp if he was staying in a more stimulating environment? Doubtful. Would Gareth Barry have been so embarrassingly outpaced by Mesut Özil if he had his Wife or Girlfriend to keep him company in the team hotel? Unlikely. Would referee Jorge Larrionda have disallowed Frank Lampard’s perfectly legitimate equaliser if the Chelsea midfielder had been out the night before doing the “dentist chair” with his teammates? Seems almost inconceivable. Yes, what the England players really need is someone who will love them and understand them, not discipline them and lecture them.

But wait… Isn’t this all very familiar? This feels like déjà vu all over again. Didn’t the fallout from the previous icy foreigner’s tenure result in the appointment of an affable Englishman whose managerial highlights included a solitary domestic cup win and an entertaining but ultimately fruitless run in European competition? And didn’t that end in failure accompanied by some sort of feeble rainwear-based pun? Wasn’t that episode deemed a painful lesson in the need for a sophisticated foreign manager to return England to its rightful place at the top of the football tree? It seems that English football is stuck in an infernal cycle, and observing events unfolding is reminiscent of watching endless daytime television. It doesn’t take long before it starts to repeat itself.

Did you hear the one about the Englishman, the Italian and the Swede? Never mind the details, but suffice to say that the Englishman was best...

In reality, English football does not want progress. The press and its readership long for a return to the good old days of 66′ and all that. Never mind that England’s kick and rush style is fundamentally the problem, we don’t want to change it because it is English and therefore it is best. Everyone else should play the way we play, then we’d win… Foreigners don’t play fair. We invented the game, after all.

It is this attitude that is holding English football back, not the managerial incumbent. England is on the periphery of European (let alone world) football, and as much as spectators may love the English game and its blood and thunder approach, this tactic (or lack thereof) will usually come unstuck against the more sophisticated continental sides and their obscene fetish for possession. The national team seems doomed to perpetually fall short of England’s unrealistic ambitions, held back by a general unwillingness to either lower the bar or evolve culturally. How can anyone improve if they don’t accept that there is anything wrong?

Whilst Greece recognised their isolation from Europe’s footballing hub and submitted to the leadership of a wily German manager to win Euro 2004, England are celebrating the loss of one of the continent’s most decorated manager’s shortly before the tournament. The Greek phenomenon could never happen on these shores as the population would not allow it to happen. We are England, Britannia rules the waves. Almost a thousand years after the fall of their empire the Greeks were finally able to swallow their pride and accept that perhaps they could do with a bit of outside help. Will England have to wait until the next millennium to admit that British is not always best? As it stands, England prefers to lose playing the English way than win playing foreigner football.

With this in mind, Redknapp is perfectly suited to the England job as he is someone that the press can wholeheartedly get behind and who won’t try and confuse things with trivialities such as tactics or gameplans. Although Capello is clearly a far more accomplished and successful manager, his qualities were wasted on a collection of players that were for the most part not ready or not tactically astute enough to respond to his instructions. It’s like having a Harvard professor lecture a class of primary school children and expecting them to write a sophisticated dissertation. Whilst England were happy to buy the Italian’s hefty contract, they were not so comfortable buying into his ideas.

Who knows, perhaps Spain, Germany, Italy, France, Holland and Portugal will all underperform this summer and Harry Redknapp will come home signalling a Churchillesque V for Victory that also serves as an inverted two-fingered salute to the European game and its namby-pamby ways. Or, in the more likely scenario of a quarter-final elimination, at least the press will be able to console themselves with pictures of ‘Arry with his arm round a tearful Wayne Rooney and the fact that it was all down to cheating foreigners or a dodgy referee. Or the “lottery” of a penalty shootout – that most un-English of contests. It’s a win-win situation, and one that is destined to reverberate throughout the ages. I hope you like the taste of boot…

Game Intelligence

This week: Love – Angola (Petro Luanda)

Although christened Arsénio Sebastião Cabúngula, the man from Petro Luanda chooses to be known in the name of “Love”. The veteran striker left city rivals Primeiro de Agosto to join Petro on a free transfer, presumably because money can’t buy me Love.

Despite having featured in the first team during his nation’s solitary World Cup appearance in 2006, Love was forced to watch from the sidelines as his prolific junior Manucho led the line during Angola’s AFCON campaign. The revelation that all you need is Love came too late for coach Lito Vidigal, as the striker’s 8 minute substitute appearance in the final group game against the Ivory Coast was not enough to prevent the Palancas Negras from crashing out in the first round.

In fact, his short cameo was perhaps the highlight of the tournament for the Angolan fans, who excitedly asked “Is this Love?” as the striker warmed up on the sidelines, before greeting his entry to the game with a chorus of “One Love”.However, with the game ending in a tepid 2-0 defeat to an understrength Ivory Coast, it soon became evident that Love is a losing game. Presumably after that disappointment, Love hurts.

Dr Congo - African football expert

The African Cup of Nations isn’t just a mid-season nuisance for Premier League managers, you know… Game Intelligence defers to our very own African football expert, Dr Congo, for the low-down on what to expect from this year’s tournament.

This year’s edition of our continent’s venerable tournament promises to be a memorable one indeed, as the winds of change are sweeping the face of African football with the might of the prevailing easterlies that once blew in from the Kerimasi volcano to form the majestic Serengeti. The uninitiated spectator may be similarly blown away by the surprising roll call of participating nations, as this year’s tournament features a mere five previous champions and no fewer than three newcomers to Africa’s soccer showpiece.

1996 quarter-finalists Gabon share hosting privileges with Equatorial Guinea, who have never previously bore the fortune of qualification. These two proud nations will surely infuse the competition with a party atmosphere like no other. Whilst Gabon will harbour realistic dreams of making an impact on the field of play, their co-hosts will take great satisfaction in the opportunity to put themselves on the map – and for more than just their eponymous proximity to the globe’s central line of latitude. Progress from Group A will be an unexpected but most welcome boon for Equatorial Guinea, whereas Gabon will set their sights higher than the confines of Group D.

Their chances of triumph are bulwarked by the shocking presence of Niger in the group, officially the tournament’s worst team and one of the triplet of debutants. Viewers focusing their lenses on television screens hoping to see the Super Eagles of Nigeria in action will have to make do with the Nigerien Menas, and the same goes for Botswana, Libya, Sudan and Burkina Faso in the places of traditional giants Egypt, South Africa, Cameroon and Algeria, who all bided bye to the tournament in the qualification stage.

These virgins of continental competition will surely add to a spectacle that some feel has grown predictable in recent years, as evidenced by Egypt wearing the diadem for the past three editions. Whisper it quietly on the streets of Cairo or Yaoundé, but the prospect of a fresh champion gives this year’s competition an almighty intrigue.

Prime candidates to scoop the trophy are Ghana and Côte d’Ivoire, both dormant collosi who have not conquered the continent in a generation and who have suffered cruel final defeats at Egyptian hands in recent years. Will Ghana’s status as World Cup heroes carry them to triumph on the back of pan-African goodwill, or does Côte d’Ivoire’s stellar lineup carry the impetus of an unstoppable juggernaut? Perhaps Tunisia or Morocco can fly under the radar to make sure bragging rights remain in North Africa?

Speculation is futile, but when two teams meet on February the 12th at Libreville’s impressive 40,000 capacity Stade d’Angondjé, we shall know who truly rules the continent. For now though, it is best to enjoy the ride…

Dr Congo is a professor of African football at the University of Ouagadougou with an M.Phil in Tony Yeboah s Right Foot and a Ph.D in The Solo Goals of George Weah.

Game Intelligence gets into the festive spirit…

Merry Christmas to all…

Who's this cheeky chap at number 5?

As the winter nights draw in and the year comes to a close, Game Intelligence looks back with misty eyes on the key events from the football calendar…

1. Japan win (women’s) World Cup

If you don’t think that winning a world cup is the biggest story of the year then, frankly, you’re no better than Andy Gray and Richard Keys. Japan’s women sent shockwaves through the world of football this summer by becoming the first Asian nation to win the World Cup. The USA’s unusually soccer-conscious public were appalled as their girls suffered a shock penalty defeat in the final to a team that they had beaten in 22 of the last 25 encounters, losing none. The Nihonjin had knocked out hosts Germany and a strong Swedish side to reach the final, thanks to some effective counter-attacking play and the goals of top scorer and Golden Ball winner Homare Sawa. Japan had only once got past the group stages in five previous tournaments, losing 4-0 to the USA in the quarterfinals of World Cup 1995. It is the country’s first major women’s title, having never won the Asian Cup (which China have brought home for the past seven editions). So there…

2. Uruguay número uno in South America

Uruguay continued their impressive form from last year’s World Cup to cement their place as South America’s top dogs by winning the Copa America in Argentina. It was a tournament characterised by underachieving giants and plucky underdogs, as favourites Brazil and Argentina crashed out in the Quarter Finals whilst unfancied Venezuela and Peru advanced to the last four. The final was played between everyone’s favourite dark horses Uruguay and a determined Paraguay team (who managed to reach that stage without winning a single game in open play). In the end the attacking flair of the Uruguayans shone through, as they ran out 3-0 winners thanks to a goal from topscorer and player of the tournament Luis Suarez and a brace from Diego Forlan, who was making a record 82^nd appearance for his country. It was Uruguay’s first title since 1995 and takes them above hosts Argentina in the all-time standings, having won the competition an unequalled 15 times. It was particularly special for Forlan, who follows in the footsteps of his father and grandfather in becoming the third generation of his family to lift the trophy.

3. River Plate relegated

If you think that Manchester United failing to qualify for the knockout stages of the Champions’ League is a crisis, then spare a thought for River Plate. The giants of Argentine… nay South American… nay world football suffered the humiliation of relegation this season for the first time in their 110-year history, despite a complex league  system that was seemingly put in place to prevent this very eventuality. The record 33 times champions’ 3-1 aggregate defeat in the relegation playoff against Segunda División Belgrano was marred by crowd violence, rioting and pitch invasions that forced the second leg to be abandoned after 89 minutes.  The unprecedented result was met with a mixture disbelief and intense grief, as Argentina comes to terms with the humbling of their most successful club that will deprive the nation of its superclasico showpiece against Boca Juniors.  For some, the trauma may just be too much to take…

4. Sian Massey takes one for the team

This time last year few had heard of Sian Massey, yet millions had heard far too much of Sky’s loudmouth commentator Andy Gray and his hairy-handed cohort Richard Keys. The obnoxious duo had skippered Sky’s Premier League flagship since its inception in 1992, belying their lack of insight or tactical acumen to provide commentary and ostensible ‘analysis’. The pair had come to represent part of the furniture of football in Britain, albeit an ugly piece of furniture that is uncomfortable to sit on, and an aura of invincibility surrounded them. However, just when most sensible football fans had resigned themselves to tuning out Gray’s raucous cries and Keys’s inexplicably smug face, Sian Massey was the unlikely small axe that fell the mighty tree. Although she probably did not intend it so, her state of femaleness and the consequent sexism imbroglio freed football fans from the clutches of the gruesome twosome, leaving us in the hands of a surprisingly likable Gary Neville and the soothingly pleasant Ray Wilkins. I believe I speak for us all when I say, ‘Sian Massey, thank you for being born a woman’.

5. Mario Balotelli

However disillusioning it is to see billionaire owners skewing the footballing playing field by splurging immoral amounts of cash in the pursuit of success, few could begrudge the Dirhams spent on bringing Mario Balotelli to our shores. The Italian maverick has really come to life this year, keeping spectators entertained both on and off the pitch. Whether he’s struggling to dress himself; dishing out dosh to the homeless; using junior teammates as dartboards; putting an end to playground bullying; mingling with Neapolitan mobsters; demonstrating the perils of indoor fireworks displays; amassing copious parking fines; or simply slotting in another ridiculously nonchalant goal, there is certainly never a dull moment with Mario. So much so, in fact, that newspapers seem to have taken to employing people purely to follow the eccentric striker around and wait for something outrageous to happen. They rarely have long to wait. Why always you, Mario? We don’t know, but we’re loving every minute of it…

6. January transfer window

No interesting transfers ever happen in January, it’s a well known fact of football akin to ‘Germany always win on penalties’ or ‘Arsenal don’t like it up ‘em’. However, the Premier League’s leading lights did not seem to have read the script this year, as they smashed the British transfer record not once but twice. As January drew to a close for another year it seemed like business as usual, with only fiscally incontinent Manchester City raising few eyebrows by splashing £27 million of the Sheikh’s hard-earned cash on Bosnian frontman Edin Džeko. Yet those waking up on January 31st expecting a typically anti-climactic end to the window were in for a surprise, as a couple of Premier League teams made months spent standing forlornly in training ground car parks almost seem worthwhile for the frost-bitten Sky Sports News reporters. Even the notoriously mellow Jim White struggled to contain his excitement as news filtered through of the transfer merry-go-round that saw Liverpool flogging Fernando Torres to Chelsea for a British record £50 million, before making his replacement Andy Carroll the most expensive British player ever at £35 million. Such was the drama that the respective signings of David Luiz and Luis Suarez at over £20 million a piece seemed like  mere afterthoughts. On second thoughts, perhaps there’s a reason why people don’t spend big in January…

7. Eastern exodus

Whilst 2011 could well be looked back on as the year the balance of power in English football was tipped in Manchester City’s direction, the seeds of change may also have been sown on a global scale. As we have seen with City, money talks, so it should surprise nobody that more and more players are being drawn to the prospect of prosperity on offer in the East. Whilst the Russian league has been growing in stature for a few years now, Anzhi Makhachkala’s high profile acquisition of Samuel Eto’o (and to a lesser extent, Roberto Carlos, Yuri Zhirkov and Balázs Dzsudzsák) really caused onlookers to sit up and take notice, and the idea of world class players plying their trade in Russia no longer seems so far-fetched. Zenit St Petersburg and CSKA Moscow’s commendable Champions’ League campaigns can only further enhance the reputation of their domestic league. An even newer rich kid on the block is China, who seem to have suddenly woken up to the power or the globe’s most popular sport and are busy spending the profits from their property boom on shiny new players. First,  Guangzhou Evergrande hit the headlines in the summer by making a relatively unknown Argentine the third best paid player in the world (behind only Ronaldo and Messi), before Shanghai Shenhua upped the ante by announcing the imminent arrival of Nicolas Anelka. Speculation now surrounds the identity of the league’s next high profile addition, with Drogba and Ronaldinho the names on most fans’ lips. The sun certainly seems to be rising in the East…

8. Shamrock Rovers’ European exploits

2011 was a proud year for Irish football, as the national team scooped the prestigious Nations’ Cup before securing qualification for their first major tournament in a decade. However, whilst the illustrious international names of Keith Andrews and Stephen Ward may have stolen the headlines, this year’s real Celtic heroes are the men of Shamrock Rovers. Boasting a name that seems too Irish to be true (why not Leprechaun United or Guinness FC?), the Dublin club made history by becoming the first team from the Emerald Isle to reach the group stages of a major UEFA competition. They did so in the most dramatic of circumstances, overcoming Champions’ League regulars Partizan Belgrade with an epic 3-2 aggregate victory thanks to an extra time penalty by Stephen O’Donnell in the Serbian side’s intimidating home stadium. The game was lit up by Pat Sullivan’s sublime equaliser, with the right back striking home on the volley from all of 25 yards after the ball was cleared from a corner. The notoriously partisan Partizan fans gave their plucky opponents a standing ovation at the final whistle, whilst the victory was celebrated by fans of all League of Ireland clubs with such gusto that there were reports of excessive alcohol consumption in Dublin that night. Regardless of their performances in the group stage, just being there is a remarkable achievement for Rovers and Irish football in general.

9. Tim Gudgin retires

2011 saw the end of an era in football, as Tim “Voice of Final Score” hung up his microphone to bring an end to a BBC career that had lasted over six decades. The man with the voice like warm honey has brought joy, despair and frustration to numerous generations of football fans every Saturday for thirty-five years with his reading of the classified football results. He was only the second person to read the scores, having taken over from the deceased Len Martin in 1976. That same year saw the peerless Bob Paisley collect his first trophies as Liverpool manager (the league title and UEFA Cup), Panenka’s cheeky dink that made Czechoslovakia the first team to win an international tournament on penalties (against West Germany, of all people), Bayern Munich beat St Etienne to win their third successive European Cup and Southampton triumph over Manchester United in the FA Cup Final. Gudgin’s trademark intonations represented one constant in a sport that has seen many changes in his time, and the game will not be the same without him.

10. AFC Wimbledon promoted to the Football League

For those who fear that football’s increasingly money-driven trajectory has cost the Beautiful Game its soul, take heart in the triumph of AFC Wimbledon. Formed by fans in the wake of a cynical hijacking and relocation of their beloved Wimbledon FC in 2002, the club achieved its fifth promotion in nine years in 2011 to finalise its ascent from Combined Counties League to the Football League. Their penalty shootout victory in the playoff final versus Luton Town was fitting reward for the fans who have kept the club’s spirit alive for the past decade, and the numerous volunteers who worked so hard to ensure that their team could flourish without selling out. AFC Wimbledon is a strictly fan-owned entity, and voted to reject a takeover bid from subsequent Peterborough United owner Darragh MacAnthony in 2006 over fears that it would undermine the club’s ethos. Their arrival in the Football League provides a fillip for fans who feel disenfranchised from clubs that seem to value their investors more highly than their supporters, and a timely reminder of what football should really all be about.

Feeling lazy? Read a condensed version of this article at vouchercodes.co.uk, along with the best of 2011 from the world outside of football (it does exist, they tell me it’s nice).

We will remember him.

As distraught as I am by the death of Gary Speed, and as touching as I find the fitting outpour of eulogies to this unusually universally beloved footballer, it frustrates me that in such times of tragedy many seem eager to point out the triviality of football in the grand scheme of things. Commentators and pundits often seem compelled to recall Bill Shankly’s observation that football is much more important than life and death and pour derision on such an outrageously bold statement. Yet I feel that they are missing the point.

If it were not for football, Gary Speed would simply be another one of the thousands of poor souls who add their lives to the suicide statistics each year. His loss would only really be felt by those who knew him personally, and there would be no public mourning. Regardless of how nice a bloke as he was, if he were not a public figure then few tears would be shed. But he was a public figure. He was a footballer, and a very fine one at that (not to mention an extremely promising young manager).

Although his life was short, he lit up the lives of so many others merely by kicking a ball around. Depression is a regrettably (and increasingly) common affliction. His talent on the pitch is not. By downplaying the importance of football we would be doing Gary Speed himself a disservice, for it is in football that he shall be remembered. He dedicated his life to the game and was duly rewarded with an accomplished career, which also gave thousands (if not millions) of fans great pleasure. Many will live twice as long without experiencing half the highs, or affecting a thousandth of the people. Football’s immense power to induce passion is perhaps unsurpassed, and to ignore this is an insult those who devote large portions of their lives to the game, whether as a fan or a participant.

I apologise if anybody finds this sentiment offensive or distasteful, but that is certainly not my intention. This is certainly not a trivialisation of Gary Speed’s tragic passing or a denigration of the grief felt so keenly by so many, more a celebration of his life and achievements on the pitch that will allow him to live long in our collective memory.

This is the transcendental beauty of football, and I am sure it is what the great Mr Shankly was getting at when he coined that infamous (yet often sadly misinterpreted) phrase. Football is much more important than life and death because it knows no life or death, and allows its heroes to become immortal. Although his family and friends will probably never fill the gap left by Gary Speed the man, for fans of the beautiful game Gary Speed the footballer will never die.